


Can You Still Love Me? (After All That I've Done)

by swizzleswazzle



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst, Betrayal, Crying, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Fix-It, Fluff, Guilt, It's not really but someone might feel it is, Just putting that there as a precaution, M/M, Sobbing, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 18:54:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7326379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swizzleswazzle/pseuds/swizzleswazzle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bryan feels like no matter what he does it won't make up for his betrayal towards Miller. In his mind, this may be his last hope. Little does he know Nate has already forgiven him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can You Still Love Me? (After All That I've Done)

**Author's Note:**

> I've fallen in love with this little ship.  
> They are so cute and precious. Cinnamon rolls indeed.  
> If Bryan gets killed off I will riot!  
> Again. These cuties.
> 
> Not Beta'd. Forgive my grammar!

Bryan stood in the bathroom. Having just gotten out of the shower he was naked except for the small towel he was using to dry himself off. 

He still doesn’t forgive me, Bryan thought to himself. How could he after I betrayed him.

Outside the bathroom Miller sat on the couch. While he tried to keep himself busy with a book his mind was reeling with thoughts of the past few days. Pike taking control, arresting people Miller cared about, Bellamy changing sides, one which Bryan had previously been on. Now people were going to be executed because Pike was so hellbent on revenge. It was all too much. He barely took notice when Bryan emerged from the bathroom.

“You all done there Bry?” Miller asked. Eyes still glued to the book even though his mind was elsewhere. No answer. 

Bryan took small steps towards Miller. A light tremor had taken over his body. He hoped, no prayed, that this would work. He couldn’t think of any other way to repair their relationship at this point. He had to get Nate’s trust back. 

Miller didn’t really take note that Bryan hadn’t answered. He kept to his thoughts while Bryan slowly moved closer to the couch. Bryan didn’t want to spook Miller so he coughed ever so lightly to get his attention.

“What Bry? You need something?” Miller stated, kind of annoyed that Bryan was playing this silence game with him. 

Bryan could sense the annoyance and almost panicked. Maybe this isn’t what he wants, Bryan wondered. I shouldn’t be doing this. 

As Bryan began to panic he whimpered slightly. That, caught Miller’s attention. 

“Bryan, seriously, are you okay?” Miller questioned as he looked up at his boyfriend. He gawked at the sight that met his eyes.

Now, let’s get one thing straight. Miller had seen Bryan naked; plenty of times. Had Bryan ever looked so flustered, cute, scared, wet, sexy, and confused before? No. Bryan stood there, hair wet and water dripping down his shoulders. A light flush was spreading across his cheeks and chest. Miller couldn’t tell if he was supposed to be aroused or worried.

“Nathan, I, I...I want you to have me.” Bryan sputtered out. 

First off, Bryan only called Miller “Nathan” when he meant business. Second off, they hadn’t had sex yet. 

Sure they had rolled around in the sheets a few times. Miller obviously wasn’t shy about his body and took every chance he got to get Bryan undressed. Bryan on the other hand, being a bit younger and all, had just taken a little while longer to get used to things. They’d experimented before. Bryan had gotten damn good with his mouth and Miller knew all of Bryan’s sweet spots. It’s not that Bryan was shy about sex it’s just that he didn’t know anything! Miller had been his first in everything. 

Now the last time they had tried this things didn’t go so well. Bryan was already nervous as hell and kept tightening up. Miller had gotten two fingers into his boyfriend before Bryan started to whimper with earnest. As he drew them back and fourth tears started to form at the corners of his boyfriends’ eyes. It was then that Miller realized no amount of lube was going to make this any better. Miller had tried his best but when your body isn’t ready, it’s just not ready. 

Afterwards they lay there on the bed, Bryan a crying mess in Miller’s arms. He went on and on about how he wasn’t good enough and his inexperience was ruining everything. As Miller rubbed circles onto his back trying to soothe him Bryan had said something that made Miller snap. 

“You should just move on, break up with me already!” Bryan shouted at him. “I’m no good to you if I can’t even make you feel good.” He cried into the sheets. 

At that Miller had gotten angry. Pulling Bryan up into a sitting position he stared right at him. Miller’s face was cold, his eyes burning with anger and his nostrils flaring. Bryan honestly thought he was about to get punched. 

“Do you really think so little of me!” Miller shouted back, shaking Bryan’s shoulders as he spoke. “Do you think all I want you for is sex?”

Bryan had shuddered at that. He knew it wasn’t true, it couldn’t be. Miller was so patient with him, accepting of the fact that he wanted to take things slow. He loved him.

“I’m sorry, Nate!” Bryan wailed, realizing the error in what he had said. 

Miller just grabbed him and held him close. He knew that Bryan could take things a little too seriously sometimes and needed to be grounded every now and then. It’s totally fine that Bryan’s not ready, physically or mentally, for sex. There were loads of other things they could do to give each other pleasure. Even then that’s not what Miller was here for. He loved Bryan, dearly. Loved his smile, his little gap between his teeth, the way he delicately tended to the plants on Farm Station, his rough hands from all the hard work, the way he trusted Miller with his life, Miller could go on for ages. 

However, that was not this moment. In this moment Bryan stood before him, naked and eager looking. Miller could see that Bryan was worrying his lip but the look in his eyes showed nothing but determination. Like if he didn’t do this now he might not get another chance. Then, just like that, Bryan was inching closer to him. He stopped, knees touching Millers. As Miller was looking up, shock and awe on his face, Bryan was looking down. Not being able to meet Miller’s eyes because if he did he might run away from embarrassment. It seemed like an eternity had passed before Bryan settled himself into Miller’s lap. His legs were pressed tightly next to Miller’s thighs as if to not let him go anywhere. He trembled slightly as Miller brought his hand up to rest against his cheek.

“Bry....are you sure?” Miller asked softly. Knowing he himself wanted this more than anything was one thing. None of that mattered though if Bryan wasn’t ready. 

At this Bryan looked up. His beautiful eyes showing under his long lashes. With a slow nod he let Miller know that we wanted this. Just like that Miller placed one hand under Bryan’s backside, another on his upper back, and lifted him up. As if they had done this a hundred times Bryan held on to Miller with grace as he was carried toward the bed.   
Miller set down Bryan carefully, placing his head on the pillows and spreading his legs so he could settle between them. Bryan watched as Miller removed his shirt and went to the nightstand to retrieve what he assumed was lube.

When Miller returned he had removed his remaining clothing. Bryan felt the bed dip as his boyfriend knelt once again between his legs. Miller crawled up Bryan’s body, pressing soft kisses into his skin as he went. When Miller reached his lips he bent down to kiss him, firmly but with so much love. Bryan shuddered at the feeling. He didn’t understand how Nate could still love him after what he had done. Didn’t understand how he could still be so patient with him instead of just taking what he needed. 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay.” Miller reassured him. Stroking his face and kissing his eyelids. 

Bryan didn’t even realize he had been scrunching them together so tightly. He didn’t want Nate to think he wasn’t ready this time. 

“I’m okay Nate. Come on, hurry up.” He pressed. 

Miller frowned slightly at that. He didn’t want to rush this. Wanted to take his time undoing his boyfriend, make him feel good, make him remember this forever. He knew that’s not what Bryan wanted either. So he took his time. Soft hands pressed at Bryan’s body, they rubbed circles into his hips, as Miller brought himself between Bryan’s legs. Miller took Bryan into his mouth as the younger let out a squeak. He still wasn’t entirely used to the feeling and it always sent a shiver up his spine. Though it felt really, really good. His eyes started to flutter as he tilt his head back. At that Miller had to hold Bryan’s hips down to keep him from bucking up. 

With Bryan distracted Miller had taken that moment to warm some lube up in his free hand. He then trailed one finger up Bryan’s inner thigh and toward his hole. Slowly, and ever so gently, he pressed his finger along the rim. Bryan gasped at that and lifted his head up slowly to look down at what Miller was doing. His cheeks flushed profusely at the sight of his boyfriend between his legs. Miller then looked up, sensing that his boyfriend was looking at him. He looked into Bryan’s eyes asking for permission to continue. Bryan slowly nodded his head and Miller took that moment to press one finger into the tight space. 

Bryan squeezed his eyes together and clenched his teeth. Why was he always so tight? No matter how many times they had tried to do this Bryan just couldn’t relax. He threw his head back onto the pillow and tried to calm himself. Stop it, he thought, you have to get through this, for him. With that, Bryan took a deep breath and centered himself. It started to feel better as he relaxed and tried to focus on the pleasure and not the pain. It was then that Miller added a second finger. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel like last time. There was a dull ache but it didn’t hurt. Miller continued his ministrations and eventually got three fingers in his boyfriend. He was big after all. 

“Bryan?” Miller stopped for a second to look up at this boyfriend. He brushed a few stands of hair off his forehead. “You ready?”

Bryan’s eyes widened, his heartbeat sped up a little, and his bottom lip started to shake. He was ready, physically, but emotionally he was all in the wrong place. When he had chosen Nate over Pike he knew he was doing the right thing. Though Nate had forgiven him, made sure he knew he was still loved, and told him it was going to be okay, Bryan couldn’t help but still feel guilty. He had betrayed the person closest to him and almost put him in a dangerous situation because he was scared. He should’ve just trusted Nate from the start. 

“Yeah.” Bryan breathed out as he rolled over. He didn’t know if this was the position Nate wanted him in but he didn’t know if he could go through with it while looking into his boyfriend’s eyes. 

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, Miller thought. This is really happening! He carefully raised Bryan so he was kneeling and his plump bottom was high in the air. Miller took one hand to spread Bryan’s cheeks and the other to line himself up with his hole. Before pressing in he leaned forward to place a soft kiss on Bryan’s shoulder letting him know he was there for him, always for him. Unfortunately for Bryan, he got the message loud and clear. 

It was then that Miller noticed something was wrong. Bryan felt tight again, strained even. One look at his shoulders and Miller could see that Bryan was wound up tight. A visible tremor overtook his body and his fists were clenched tight in the sheets. Miller had barely entered him and it couldn’t have been causing him any pain after all that preparation so he didn’t understand what was going on. Then he heard it, an audible sob that came from the pillows where Bryan had squished his face in tightly. Miller immediately pulled away.

“Nate, why are you stopping?” Bryan pressed out. He was trying so hard to keep it together. 

Miller was not having any of it though and pulled at his boyfriend’s shoulders to flip him over. The sight that he saw made his heart drop. There was Bryan with tears running down his face. Bryan had done his best to keep silent but the emotions of it all had gotten to him when he let out that sob. 

“Stop? You’re asking me why I stopped? Did you not notice that you’re a crying mess? Bryan. What is going on?” Miller shouted. 

Bryan then finally opened his eyes, shining bright with tears, red and irritated. He stared up at Nate with wide eyes, pleading for him to not be mad. Miller didn’t mean to scare his boyfriend and he wasn’t angry at him it was just that he desperately needed to figure out why Bryan would let him hurt him. 

“Bryan, please, please. Tell me what is going on in that head of yours?” Miller said as he grabbed Bryan by the chin. “If you weren’t ready why did you lie to me?” 

That word. Lie. That pushed Bryan over the edge.

“Lie? Lie! I didn’t lie to you Nathan!” Bryan shouted. “I am ready. I want you and I know you want me. You’ve been holding back because I’ve been too scared. Well I’m done. I’m giving you what you need. What we need!” He went on.

Bryan was becoming a sobbing mess. Miller could barely keep it together seeing his boyfriend like this. Bryan kept saying things like how he felt guilty, how Nate needed to take what he wanted, not be so gentle with him, how Bryan had ruined their trust, ruined what they had, that this was the only way things were going to get better. It was those last few words that snapped Miller out of his trance. This was the only way things were going to get better, he thought. Oh no, oh no, no, no, he does not think that sleeping with me is what I need to forgive him!

Miller took a deep breath. He steadied himself and then took hold of Bryan. He held him tight as his boyfriend sobbed into his shoulder. As the tears subsided and the sobs quieted down Miller took the moment to pull Bryan away. He wanted to see his sweet boyfriends face as he set him straight. Wanted Bryan to know the he was truly forgiven and that they could go back to how things were. He knew that life on the ground was hard, dangerous, and never certain but he always had Bryan to come back to. That was what he needed. He needed the home that he felt he had with Bryan, the love that they shared, not sex. 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay sweetheart. It’s okay.” Miller cooed. He pressed a soft kiss to Bryan’s nose. “I love you okay, you crazy boy. Nothing is going to change that.” 

Bryan calmed down at those words. Slowly pressing he head further into Miller’s shoulder. He tried to control his breathing and center himself around the beat of Miller’s heart. 

“Look, I know I was mad at what you did. It hurt but, we both had faults in all of this okay? I lied to you too, kept secrets, went behind your back. I did things I wish I could take back but I never stopped loving you.” Miller was doing his damn best to make Bryan see that he didn’t owe him anything. “Please Bryan, please don’t think you owe me with your body to keep us together.” 

Bryan sniffed. He had calmed down and stopped crying at this point. He was breathing softly in Miller’s arms and resting his chin on Miller’s shoulder. Miller let him sit there for a while before pressing the matter further. He wanted to give Bryan space to say anything that was on his mind. They sat like that for a while, in silence, just listening to each other’s heartbeats. After a while Bryan tilted his head towards Millers, their cheeks resting against each others. It was then that Miller could feel the tug of a smile spreading across Bryan’s face. 

“Feeling better?” He asked. 

Bryan nodded his head. A small laugh escaping his lips. Miller knew that they would have to discuss this matter further but, he figured they could wait until tomorrow. Right now he just wanted to fall asleep with his boyfriend in his arms, safe and together. He laid Bryan down and tucked the two of them under the sheets, pressing a leg between Bryan’s thighs. Bryan rested his head on Miller’s chest, letting himself be rocked to sleep at the rise and fall of it. 

“Nate?” Bryan suddenly asked in the quiet. 

“What is it babe?” Miller said softly, barely able to keep himself awake at the exhaustion of it all. 

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry and before you try to stop me, I...I need to say it. Okay?” Bryan paused. “It’s not about Pike, and it’s not about the bug or anything else. I’m just sorry that I had so little hope in us that I thought I could fix it with this.” 

Before Bryan could even check to see if Miller was still awake he was hoisted up and rolled onto Miller’s stomach. Miller attacked his face with light kisses, holding him close as to never let go. Bryan began to giggle and blush as his boyfriend showed him so much affection. He never wanted to let this go, this thing he and Nate had between them. Miller then gently put him back on his side, running his hand through Bryan’s hair as he hummed softly and lulled them to sleep. 

“I’ll always love you Bryan.” Miller got out before sleep took him. “Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I have issues with writing 'Miller' when it's Bryan thinking about him or being directed at him. Cause he doesn't call him that, I don't think. It's always Nate. So forgive me for the back and fourth name calling! 
> 
> Also, to all who love this little tugboat of a ship, write your fics! I crave them! Anything will do at this point. XO!


End file.
